|notreallyme10 (notreallyme10) wrote,|
@ 2007-08-20 12:46:00
Post 513 Series
Sidebar to Family
Originally posted: 6/7/07 LJ
You aren’t supposed to meet the love of your life when you are 17. You’re supposed to be 25 or better yet, 29... You’re supposed to have time to grow up and make all the stupid mistakes with guys that seem important at the time. Guys you will look back on and wonder what you were thinking. I feel like shit when I think of some of the things I did to Brian. I’m not stupid enough to take all the blame, but I know I handled things wrong.
I know now I needed to go off and be with someone else. Even for as short lived as it was, Ethan was an important learning curve for me. It was the way I did it that was the salt in the wound.
But fuck, what would have been the right way to handle that situation? All these years later I still can’t answer that question. And I still sometimes wonder if I had handled it differently would we have ever made it back together? I mean really, can you see Brian taking a conversation about how I needed to test out a different kind of relationship very well? Fuck, he didn’t even think we were in a relationship.
I guess sometimes I figure the way it happened, the way he pushed me away when I was leaving, made it possible for me to come back later.
All that realization (rationalization) is fine and good until he brings it up. Since that night in his office I can’t remember a single time he has mentioned it and then out of the blue a crack about living in that shit hole with Ethan.
Of course he called him Ian, but we both know fucking well that Brian remembers his name. In fact, if he had just said Ethan it might not bother me so much. But Ian… well that just feels like some sort of an indication that it still upsets him.
Don’t get me wrong, I know Brian isn’t walking around crying over Ethan. But Brian is sensitive to things in ways that few people realize or see.
It's weird because I see so clearly who he is. Sometimes I wonder how other people can be so blind.
I do my best to reassure him in a way that won’t piss him off. Talking to Brian used to be like walking in a mine field, but he has relaxed a lot over the years- that does not mean he takes well to sentimental bullshit. So declarations of love will do me no good in this case. Pointing out how much better than Ethan he is, might.
That, and communicating in Brian’s favorite language. The language of fucking.
It sounds crazy but Brian and I have entire conversations through sex. I’m sure a therapist would have a field day with that, but what the hell, it works for us.
And yeah, I may only be 26, but we’ve been together and apart and happy and miserable enough that I know what works for us.
Our sex life is pretty varied and sometimes it simply reflects our mood and what happens to feel good at the moment. Other times it is a way of communicating something. I miss you. I love you. Stop leaving your wet towels on the floor.
I’m not kidding.
Brian already knows I’m his. But a reminder never hurts.
He may be the top- for the most part- but I’m generally pretty aggressive. I know what I like, what feels good and what makes him feel good. But for now, I give myself to him completely. I want him to use my body, to fucking claim it.
Sounds ridiculous when I say it like that, but it is the only description I can think of.
I spread myself for him. I moan and pant and beg for him. I take him in my mouth and in my ass. When he pulls out and comes across my chest I arch into it. I use my hand to mark myself with his come. Smearing it, rubbing it into my skin. And when he tells me to, I come.