|notreallyme10 (notreallyme10) wrote,|
@ 2007-10-08 13:10:00
She always wanted me to feel like shit for the way her life turned out. And then later because I made a better life for myself than she ever had.
I hated her for it. I hated her more for that than for her God fearing, fag hating ways.
Having Gus, I cannot fathom how a person could wish unhappiness on their own child. I was scared of being a parent because I worried that I could feel that way. But I don’t, not even close.
I decided while I was jerking off into the cup that no matter what part I played in Gus’s life Joan would never get the chance to play grandma.
Claire on the other hand followed in mom’s footsteps. Shitty husband, shitty kids, a shitty life and she ended up the same miserable bitch Joan was. One of these days she’ll find God too and finish the transformation.
The thing is, no matter how fucked up your own life is, that doesn’t give you license to fuck up someone else's life. Why isn’t fucking up your own life good enough for anyone.
Claire’s kids are probably a lost cause by now. If they weren’t born with any redeeming qualities, Claire certainly didn’t do anything to instill any. And the cycle continues.
If I was a miserable son of a bitch then Claire and Joan probably wouldn’t have wanted to have anything to do with me. But they could sense that I had things that made me, if not happy, then content. My friends, a nice tight ass to fuck, good drugs, my job and later Gus and Justin. And I had money. Those things were just a magnet for their bullshit.
And I put up with it.
I’m not exactly know for putting up with things I don’t care for. So why the fuck I always did with them is something I can’t tell you. I guess I felt like there was no way out of it.
It pisses me off that some stupid idea of family ties prevented me from doing what should have been done. Kicking them the fuck out of my life for good.
Cue Justin to the rescue.
And I can’t think of a time in my life when I felt more angry.
Sure there were the obvious reasons for my anger, but it went far beyond that to places I don‘t even want to try and understand.
For a few days I think it just felt good to be angry instead of feeling anything else. And just when I realized what a fucking waste all my anger was, the call came.
Good old Joan, always was the queen of guilt. She wields it like a weapon… even from the grave.
Justin took the call and was forced to pass the news on to me. Christ, I would have done anything to have spared him that.
“Claire just called.”
I looked up shocked that she had gone back on her promise so fast. Even for her that was pushing it.
“Your mom died.”
He looked stricken. He looked sad, when all I felt was relief.
I knew exactly what he was thinking- the guilt was settling in fast for him. Maybe he even thought I would be mad again. He had tossed her out of my life and then the bitch went and died so we would feel sorry for her. I decided then and there that it wasn’t going to happen.
How do you take a break from life? How do you make all the bad shit stop so that you just have a few minutes to breathe? Because Justin and I really needed to breathe.
We went to Pittsburgh for the funeral. One final goodbye. Good riddance is more like it.
It was different when my dad died. I was left still wanting something from him. It had been so long since Joan gave me anything but misery that I had given up on wanting anything from her at all.
That night, I hoped there was a heaven so Joan could be up there watching us while I licked Justin's asshole, while I lapped up his come, while I fucked him.
Pittsburgh wasn't exactly the break we needed, but it would do for now and we decided to stay a while to visit with our little family of friends.
Justin was still beating himself up and I wanted to make that go away. He just couldn't accept that losing Joan wasn't tearing me up. It's not that he wanted me to be sad, I think he just thought I was hiding from it. But I had mourned the loss of my mother for years. I don't remember exactly when she stopped being there for me, but it was long before she died. And now she was finally gone for real and I almost felt like I could finally stop mourning.
I wanted to lift the weight for him the way Joan dying did for me. But I really didn't know how. The closest I could come was dancing at Babylon, dinners at the diner and drinks at Woody's, not to mention staying at the loft,which always makes Justin happy.
Mikey was thrilled to have us around because he could finally show off the new boyfriend he had been talking my ear off about. Seems Mikey likes the academic type because this one is a high school teacher friend of Tucker's.Talk about weird fucking connections.
The guy is fine- boring. But no one can say that Mikey doesn't hook hot men and this one is no exception. And you should have seen Justin's face when he realized they were the same age.
“What do you think of him?”
“I'd fuck him.”
“But you haven't right? For fuck's sake let me have a boyfriend you haven't fucked.”
“No I haven't fucked this one.”
“He's great though, right?”
“He's no Ben,” that made him smile, “but you did good Mikey.”
I give him a kiss and he looks so happy that even I can't say anything negative.
The entire week felt like a quadruple date from hell. Emmett and Drew are back together... AGAIN. Emmett swears it's going to stick this time. I hope so because I don't think I can stand listening to him moan about another breakup. And Ted and Blake have been attached at the hip longer then I remember.
They're all so settled and boring it almost makes my skin crawl. Only Justin is smiling and he hasn't smiled much lately.
So I drag the whole crew out to Babylon for a night of debauchery. After partaking in a few of my favorite substances and fucking Justin in my manger's office I can relax and enjoy everyone's company as much as Justin.
Turns out even Mikey's boyfriend is fun. Watching him dance with Justin, I have a momentary longing for the days of threeways, but remembering Justin's hole slick with my come even as he dances puts that thought right out of my head.
Even I have to admit that it is nice to be back here.
“I needed this.”
“You always need this.”
I'm mouthing his nipple and I rub my cock harder against his thigh.
“For once I wasn't talking about your cock.”
“I'm trying to fuck you and you feel like talking?”
“Can't we do both?”
“When have you ever been good at talking anyway.”
“You won't be any good at it either once I get my tongue in your ass.”
“I'm serious Brian.”
I crawl up to his face.
“I am too, so you better talk fast because I'm in the mood to make you feel very good.”
“Lucky for me, you're always in that mood.”
“You really are lucky, aren't you?”
I'm giving him shit, but really I'm settling in for what he has to say. I know it's important because he really wants my attention.
“I needed this time here. I miss this. I miss having people other than you in my life that I really care about. I keep waiting for life to get easier. Every time something shitty happens I figure that has to be the end. We can't possibly deal with one more fucking thing. And I know we always do deal, but I just don't want to have to anymore. I needed this time to relax and be with our friends.”
I just want to protect him. I don't want him to need fucking reminders. I've always felt like I could fix things that needed fixing. Sure I went about it in my own special way, but I could do what needed to be done. Ben and Deb dying ripped every fucking illusion of control I had away from me.
“Do you want to move back here?”
“God no. I love New York, I can't imagine living anywhere else now.”
“Well then maybe we should just spend more time here. It's not like we can't afford it, maybe you could get a studio here so you could work while we're here. And I've even been thinking maybe we should get a place in Toronto.”
“You always bitch and moan about coming here.”
“I've never bitched and moaned about anything in my life.”
“That's right, you're Mr. Agreeable.”
I whisper in his ear. “I'll prove it. You tell me what to do to you and I'll do it. I don't do anything tonight that you don't tell me to.”
"Mmnnn, I like this game."
"So, what'll it be?"
"First I want your tongue in me, and then I want the beads."
He turns over and spreads himself. I put my tongue on him just like he asked and I feel his hole opening for me. He wants me inside now. Those were his orders and I promised to follow. I push in as deep as my tongue will reach, holding it there while his muscles fight against me and try to pull me deeper all at the same time. And then I tongue fuck him as hard and fast as I can until I hear him gasp out "Beads."
I don't know why, but we don't use the beads often. He loves them but they seem to be a special occasion sort of thing, for nights when he really feels like having his ass played with for a good long time. This evening I am happy to oblige.
I push each one in slowly, so slowly he's shaking. But he has all the control and he doesn't ask for anything different. I push one in and then tug gently. Not hard enough to pull it out, just enough so he feels the pressure of it.
When they are all inside I ask him what he wants now. He moans.
"I can't do anything unless you tell me."
I'm such a mean prick but that is part of what makes this game so fun.
"I want you to take over and make me come."
I roll him over, suck his dick and pull.
Just before he falls asleep I hear him whisper, "I'd like that."
Guess we're going shopping for studio space tomorrow.