|notreallyme10 (notreallyme10) wrote,|
@ 2007-10-31 10:39:00
I think maybe sometimes people forget how old I am.
When I met Brian I was 17 years old. I've heard before how mature I am and I've even been known to brag about it myself. But there is maturity and being intelligent and then there is having experience.
In the long run, it was clear that Ethan was not the one for me and Brian was, and is. I wish that I never hurt Brian the way I did, but I had to have that experience. I had to learn that lesson. It is part of the reason Brian and I work now.
From the outside, people judged both Brian and I for the way we acted then, but it was just the way it had to be.
And it happened again when I went to New York. I know people thought Brian was wrong to let me go and that I was wrong for leaving. It was hard to understand how we went from planning the wedding to me moving away. Fuck, it was hard to understand how we ended up engaged in the first place.
I still needed time to figure out what I wanted for myself. The things I could compromise on and the things I couldn't. The things I didn't even want in the fucking first place, but thought I did for some odd reason. I don't care how fucking smart you are, nobody knows what they want for the rest of their life at that age.
Only I did know... well at least some of it. I knew I wanted to be an artist and I knew I wanted Brian.
I had some ideas of how to make both of those work. But the thing with a relationship is that it has to be right for both people for it to work, and at that time, it wasn't quite right for either of us. We might have made it work or we might not have. Either way, there was something that was just a little off.
That time around both Brian and I knew that it was the right for our future to be apart. I was 22 years old and I had never been out on my own. I needed a chance to see what I could do for myself. The ArtForum article was the kind of thing artists wait their whole lives for. I needed to take advantage of it.
I didn't have to be in New York to do that, but it certainly didn't hurt. In fact, it helped a lot. New York inspires me, I fed from the artistic energy I found there. I learned more from the artists I met pounding the pavement trying to make names for themselves then I ever learned at PIFA. I focused there in a way I probably wouldn't have in Pittsburgh. Art was my entire world.
I fucked around while I was in New York but I never once took any of the men seriously. I don't think I could have if I wanted to. I knew that Brian and I were meant to be back together. I can't say I always knew we would make it work, but I know that I hoped we would, and that Brian did too.
I felt comfortable in the fact that Brian would never let someone else in the way he let me in. I knew that if someone was going to fuck things up in that way it would have to be me, and that wasn't happening.
It was a lonely time for both of us. But there was a certain amount of comfort in that. It didn't matter how far apart we were, we were in it together.
I always knew I had a place with Brian. Maybe it isn't fair, but over the years I've learned that I can go do the things I need to do and he will be there when I get back.
This time he came to me.