So a LONG LONG time ago, I started writing a QAF/Office crossover fic. I've never written a crossover before and while I like the Office, it isn't one of my favorite shows or anything. What I'm trying to say is that I have no idea where this came from :) It's been more than a year since I've even looked at this thing, but when I read it today it made me laugh. So I decided fuck it, I'm just going to post!
Alicesprings might have looked at it once a long time ago, but it certainly hasn't been proof read. And it doesn't have much of any ending... just a weird little fic showing what it would be like if Brian had a meeting with Michael. Not sure what the timeline is in relation to seasons on The Office, but before Pam and Jim are married. And I don't think it matters much for QAF.
P.S. Sadly this probably won't mean anything to you if you haven't seen at least a few episodes of The Office.
Michael's three o'clock walks in wearing a suit that probably costs more than my car and wearing it well. I look over and raise my eyebrows at Jim and he laughs.
I should be embarrassed by the Hawaiian shirt I'm wearing but I'm too busy imagining how this guy is going to respond to the grass skirt Michael's been wearing over his pants all day. It's really too bad he took the coconut bra off at lunch.
I'm not sure how Hawaiian day started, but Michael takes it very seriously.
Michael comes out doing a hula dance and approaches Mr. Kinney holding out a plastic lei and singing "Come on I wanna lei ya" which he's done like ten times today.
Mr. Kinney is not amused.
Michael laughs awkwardly.
"Well then I guess I get laid again! Pam lei me!"
Mr. Kinney looks at me and for just a second his expression softens.
I didn't think anything could be worse than the introductions and sitting in Michael's office for forty-five minutes listening to his terrible ideas for the campaign.
I was wrong.
When the tour of the office started I almost told him to fuck off so I could get back to fucking Justin in the hotel room. But the economy is shit right now and this is a good account. Reasonable money for what should be a fairly simple job, corporate wants customized ads for each of the branches.
The branch managers have gone along with whatever I suggested. Until now.
We start with the desks closest to Michael's office.
The first guy is laid back and not bad looking. I'd probably try to fuck him, regardless of the fact that he's making eyes at the secretary, if I wasn't itching to get back to Justin who I left naked and sweaty on white hotel sheets.
The next guy stands and I have to control the physical reaction I have to his clothes. This guy makes Ted look like the cutting edge of fashion and style.
Just then a bell rings somewhere near by and he looks around in a panic before running out of the office.
The hot guy and the secretary break in to a fit of laughter and Michael moves on unaffected.
From there I'm introduced to a dozen others, each one more pathetic than the last. The tour concludes in a conference room where the "party planning committee" is meeting. I'd rather eat pussy than attend any party this group throws. And then I find out they are putting the finishing touches on a party in my honor. Tonight. With a Hawaiian theme. In a warehouse.
A fucking warehouse.
"I'm in town with my partner and we have plans this evening."
The blond frowns at me. But Michael is even more excited, if that's possible.
"You're gay! Do you know Oscar?"
"Huh, he's gay so I just figured... OK party planners, change of plans, we now have two guests of honor... and we need a new theme... a gay luau!"
The angry blond storms out but the middle age fat one speaks up.
"Michael what's a gay luau?"
"I'm glad you asked Phylis. It is important to learn about other cultures, broaden your horizons. I would explain but we have an expert right here so I'll let him tell you."
They all turn to me.
"I have to go."
"OK great. So we'll see you and your partner..."
He uses air quotes around the word partner.
"... in a few hours."
Justin is going to love this.
When Brian suggested a night in a hotel, Scranton wasn't exactly what I had in mind. But he blew me at every rest stop between here and Pittsburgh and then fucked my brains out when we got to the hotel so it's hard to complain too much.
But I'm not sure any amount of fucking can make up for the fact that we are on our way to a party in a paper warehouse. We pull up in front of a nondescript office building and I want to give Brian shit but he already looks pretty miserable.
"It can't really be that bad."
He rolls his eyes.
"Justin, there was a flabby redhead wearing a coconut bra and I think a guy named Creed tried to steal my watch."
I let my hand slide up his thigh to his crotch.
"Maybe you need a little cheering up before we go in."
I'm just leaning in to kiss him and when a guy starts knocking on the window.
Brian puts his head against the steering wheel.
"Come on, you're missing the party!"
I have to laugh.
"We wouldn't want that."
For once Brian wasn't exaggerating, these people are pretty much just as he described them.
Michael tries to get us to limbo and before Brian can speak I suggest that we really could use a drink before we do anything else. I don't miss Brian's stricken look when they inform us that alcohol isn't allowed in the warehouse anymore. Michael is clearly dying to share the story behind that one but I step in to avoid what is sure to be an impending meltdown from Brian.
"I think we'll just get a soda instead."
I pull Brian towards a table of refreshments which consists of a bowl of chips, Oreos and little paper umbrellas to go in the soda.
I pull a few tiny liquor bottles that I took from the mini bar out of my pocket.
"I knew it was a good idea to bring you. Who throws a fucking party with no alcohol? If you're hiding a joint too I'll blow you right here."
"Sadly there will be no floor show tonight."
I pour a bottle into a plastic cup and thrust it at him.
"Now go make nice for an hour so we can get the fuck out of here."
"45 minutes tops."
When I track Justin down a half hour later he's dancing with a crazy Indian girl.
"Kelly says I look just like Lance Bass and you look like his boyfriend who she thinks Lance should dump because he's not famous enough."
I'm not exactly sure what he's talking about, but I think I've just been insulted in an analogy involving a Backstreet Boy. This after being stuck talking to a guy who Michael made a point of telling me is gay and Mexican, as though I've been one upped.
When Michael started asking if they could come party with me in the big city, Pittsburgh, I had to get away.
I grab Justin's hand and pull him away from his new friends in search of someplace a little quieter.
Pam To Camera
"I walked in on them... you know... on Michael's desk. It was oddly hot."