|notreallyme10 (notreallyme10) wrote,|
@ 2007-08-20 11:58:00
Post 513 Series
Originally posted: 4/10/07 LJ
The weeks leading up to his visit were stressful. I of course dealt with the stress the same way I deal with all stress, substance abuse, sex and acting like an asshole. I’m not exactly known for my use of moderation. Everyone, including Justin, was humoring me and that only served to piss me off on top of everything else. Justin knows me so fucking well sometimes that I think he does shit like that on purpose. He knows when I am looking for a fight and just absolutely refuses to give it to me.
For all of the time I have spent with Gus, what the fuck do I know about actually taking care of a nine year old. In the past almost all of our time together has been under the supervision of one or more of his mothers. Now he is coming for a two week visit and to say I am freaking the fuck out is an understatement. It's strange to me that the two people that fuck with my head the most came into my life on the same night.
The night before he was scheduled to arrive I decided the solution to my stress was sure to be found in the bottom of a bottle of whiskey - Justin felt like it could be found somewhere else. He took away the bottle and dragged me into the shower, where he laid out his plans for the evening to me. I'm not sure if he thought this out in advance or if he is just really good on his feet - I didn’t really have time to think about that much. I was pretty drunk, but he would have gotten his way even if I wasn’t. He washed me from head to toe before letting me in on his thoughts.
"I have this fantasy I thought you might like to help me with tonight."
"You have my attention." Which could have been because he was soaping my balls.
"First I want you on your hands and knees on the bed -"
"Of course you do." I have to be a dick, its just my nature.
"After I torture you with my tongue for as long as I feel like, I’m going fuck your ass with a dildo. I’ll let you pick which one."
"How very generous of you Sunshine. Not that I’m complaining, but shouldn't your fantasy be something new?"
"Then I want you sitting -" How does he manage to act like he doesn’t even hear me? "- with the dildo deep in your ass while I fuck myself on your lap."
"My dick is even in your ass in your fantasies."
"I love your dick in my ass. I think this fantasy is missing one thing though."
"I can’t possible imagine." For a guy who doesn’t talk much, sometimes I can’t shut the fuck up.
"Even you won’t be able to control yourself with your ass and your cock getting fucked. I think we need to tie your balls and your dick up tight to make sure you can control yourself, I want this to last. I think I am going to come a few times tonight before you get a turn."
In my half drunk state his tongue on my ass isn’t as sensitive as it could be, but Justin knows this and immediately dives in with rough probing stabs meant to bring me right to the edge.
When I feel his hand on my dick I’m shocked that he is allowing things to progress so quickly, until I realize I’m being restrained as promised. Tight, but not too tight, the kid is good.
I pick the smallest dildo I own, small of course being relative in the Kinney household. If it were Justin’s ass we were going to be playing with, this wouldn’t even be an option. When it comes to toys, Justin always wants the thickest, longest, hardest implement I can find.
He loves the unnatural, unrelenting feel of something other than flesh (even when covered in latex) opening him up. He loves when he’s not sure he can take it and I whisper encouraging words in his ear or maybe even better, demand he take it. He loves to feel just a little overwhelmed and probably more importantly - possessed.
It used to freak me the fuck out. Its always been hot as hell to see him that way, but I used to hate the idea of him wanting me to push him like that. Sure I had done that kind of things with plenty of other guys, pushed their limits, but with Justin this kind of stuff always meant something and I didn’t want that kind of responsibility. I already felt too responsible for him and it pissed me off.
But Justin had, and still does, this irritating habit of ignoring stuff he doesn’t want to hear and just getting what he wants. You try and talk sense into a naked Justin, ass in the air, begging you to fuck the shit out of him with the brand new dildo he just bought himself.
Only now its me experiencing the pressure and stretch of stiff silicone. On each thrust he changes the angle ever so slightly, hitting my prostate and then avoiding it.
Normally I would start getting impatient and try and move this along to get to the really good stuff, my dick in his ass, but I know what he is doing and I’m just desperate enough right now to let him - I need this distraction.
He fucks me for a long time, always keeping me right on the edge of pleasure and not quite enough. He wants me to give into him. He wants me to consciously decide to let him do this for me, to let my mind and my worries go. Almost from the beginning he has pushed me like this. He has always wanted things that I’m not ready to give him, but he also has unprecedented patience, needless to say he almost always gets what he wants.
So here I find myself in what has to be at least an hour later and my balls feel like they are going to explode as I feel Justin’s ass spasming around my dick for the second time. When Justin decides to do something, he can be completely single minded. He’s riding me like he hasn’t just come twice, like he doesn’t notice how sensitive his ass is feeling right now. And if I didn’t know how bad I need this, I would have started begging a half hour ago.
I’m pretty sure I black out when he suddenly unsnaps the restraints and then slams his body down onto my lap. I come instantly and his body wrapped around mine is the only thing holding me up. Needless to say I’m not to worried about Gus’ visit anymore.
I don’t know how many times I have said it, but I want to be a better dad to Gus. After the cancer I decided that he should be a bigger part of my life - better late than never or some shit. And I did try to spend more time with him, to see him on a regular basis. But I always felt like a visitor in his life, instead of a real part of it and I probably used that as an excuse. An excuse to let things stay the same, to not make a real effort. After the bomb things came into focus again but before the smoke cleared the girls were on their way to Canada with Gus and I had missed my chance again. They promised I would still be a part of his life, and I was, but not really the way I imagined. And to add excuses on top of excuses things with Kinnetik were crazy. I was working insane hours with Justin gone and it was paying off. The more it paid off the more work there seemed to be. So I would visit them a few times a year and they would visit me, but it was pretty much like it was when we all lived in the same city. I was the guy that would come play for a few hours and then head out. He knew I was his dad and that I loved him, but at the risk of sounding like a lesbian, or Justin, there was something missing.
I don’t blame Lindsay or even Melanie. I know its what they had to do for themselves and I guess the kids too. And they are happy there, Gus especially seems to be thriving. I’m happy for all of that, but it does make it hard having him so far away.
I can’t say that Gus didn’t figure into selling Kinnetik. Its about time that I stop making excuses and fucking do something about it, because I fucking hate regrets.
I’m never going to be the kind of dad they all want me to be. I’ll let them all down, even Gus. Especially Gus. I love him, the way my father never loved me. I don’t fucking blame my dad, I was a pain in the ass as a kid, the same as I am now. But I will love Gus no matter what he does. That’s what surprises me. Even while I know I will continue to disappoint everyone, I care more than I ever expected to. But as much as I have changed, I don’t think I will ever be the type of dad the kid deserves.
It may be terrible to say, but I never wanted Gus. I never wanted a kid, it just wasn’t a place I saw my life going. But Lindsay did and giving her something that important felt good. I honestly thought I would drop in every so often and that would be it, but it wasn’t like that right from the beginning.
I couldn’t believe how I felt when Mikey told me they were circumcising Gus. I wanted to let it go, to focus on what was important - my dick, not some baby’s. That wasn’t the way it worked though, I cared what happened to him. It wasn’t that I had never cared for anyone before. Both Lindsay and Michael had broken down those barriers years before, along with a handful of others. The surprise was that it was so automatic, that I didn’t seem to have a choice in my feelings for him. He was born and they were there - no going back. I don’t think I realized that it was possible to love someone just because.
I’m trying now, not because Lindsay or Mikey or Debbie or maybe even Justin will think I did it wrong or think I didn’t care, but because I don’t want Gus to think that. And I guess if I’m telling the truth its for me too.
His visit is wonderful and exhausting all at the same time. I cannot believe how much energy kids his age have. Zoos, museums, parks, at least five trips to FAO Schwarz and he just keeps going. I never would have made it through without Justin. He told me once that he is the most mature person I know. He was right of course, so how is it at 26 years old he can so easily access his nine year old self. Justin and Gus communicate in a way I will never understand. I don’t think I was ever much of a kid, even as a kid. Sure Mikey and I acted like idiots but I was a lot older then. I don’t remember ever really playing the way Gus and Justin do together.
The visit was domestic in ways that should have freaked me out - the three of us generally behaved like a typical family for two whole weeks. Gus woke us up every morning and insisted on something for breakfast first thing. After scrounging something up and showers all around we would hit the town for the days activities (usually planned out in detail the night before by Justin and Gus). In the evenings the three of us would combine our somewhat limited skills in the kitchen to make dinner. Justin was careful to make himself scarce now and then so Gus and I could have some time to ourselves and a few afternoons Gus went into the studio with Justin to paint, giving me some much needed down time.
It was nice just spending time with Gus, and with Justin for that matter, and I realized that I had been putting too much pressure on myself. I had all these notions that I was fucking up as a father to Gus. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’m fucking up, but I think I gained a some perspective from this visit. Gus has full time parents that take good care of him, I’m just a bonus in his life. Its not that I’m not important but he would be OK without me. So many people love to feel needed, but it scares the shit out of me. I hate the idea of letting someone I love down. But when it comes down to it, all Gus needs from me is love and that is the one thing I’m certain I’m capable of providing him with.
As I said, Justin was a huge help during Gus’ visit and that help was not limited to his ability to deal with Gus. He would fucking ravage me every time we had a spare moment. We would send Gus off for a shower after a long day of playing in Central Park and as soon as we could hear the water running Justin was on his knees frantically sucking my cock. At night in bed he begged me to gag him and fuck the shit out of him. It seemed no matter how hard I fucked him he pushed back and clawed for more. Moaning so loud even with the gag that I was sure we would wake Gus (good fucking thing we have a big place). Walking through the natural history museum with Gus out of earshot he would whisper in my ear that he was going to go to the bathroom to jerk off thinking about me. How he wished I could come with him and finger his ass while he touched himself.
The entire time I thought he was doing it to keep me sane through all the family time, but after Gus left he kept it up. Only without Gus around we had a lot more free time. At first I thought he was just happy to have our place to ourselves again. After a few days I decided he was doing this to keep me from getting depressed about Gus being gone. After a week I finally realized I was being a self centered asshole as usual.
I’ve been in New York for about nine months now and already I’m learning things about Justin I never knew before. It used to be that we had a ton of distractions, but things are different here.
Every so often Justin can’t seem to paint and his energies get directed elsewhere - me. I vaguely remember similar scenarios in Pittsburgh and I have seen it a few times since I’ve been here. Also, once while we were apart he took a last minute trip home that looking back on it now was probably for the same purpose. When he gets like this he is completely insatiable sexually. It can be hard to recognize since he always wants my cock, but I’m learning.
As far as I can tell there are two reasons he can’t paint. Good old fashion artistic block or something is bothering him. I generally respond exactly how I have these past few days, I fuck him until my dick is sore. It usually only lasts a few days until he makes up with his mom or gets inspired and then things are back to normal.
By my calculations we are somewhere around the end of week three of the fuckathon and if this morning is any indication he is not slowing down.
Usually he can’t wait to talk all about his feelings, but it seems this time around he is planning on leaving me in the dark. It is incredible tempting to keep my mouth shut and just enjoy. But I know how miserable he really is when he can’t paint and I know I have to do something.
That afternoon all of my suspicions were confirmed when I find him sitting in his studio staring out the window.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I like to keep you on your toes."
Somewhere in the back of my mind I have this sinking feeling that I know what’s bothering him and I’m not going to like it. He hasn’t mentioned it in a long time and at some point I assumed we were on the same page about it, but fuck, if I was wrong we are going to have real trouble.
When he used to bring up fucking homes and marriage and kids, I blamed it on Michael.
I’m smart enough to realize now that it was a lot more than that. It was seeing Mikey and Ben happy together but it was also the state threatening to take away his rights and it was me doing almost the same thing. He was a twenty-something-year-old kid who wasn’t ready to close himself off to parts of life he might want later.
And I was a thirty-something year old who was too blind to see that what we both wanted probably wasn’t all that different. See, I was privileged to information Justin didn’t have. Somewhere inside I already knew I loved him and he had made it clear that he loved me.
Britin wasn’t really what he wanted, turns out an apartment in Manhattan is more his style. And while I’m sure some things about a wedding and a marriage still appeal to him it turns out he is happy just hearing I love him once in awhile. As for kids, I decided years ago that it was the option of having kids he wanted, not actual kids.
But now my brain is taking leaps and bounds all over and I’m fucking terrified he is going to say that Gus’s visit made him realize how badly he wants to have a bunch of fucking babies.
Clearly I am as prone to drama queen moments as Justin.
"Relax, this isn’t about you." I would like to know when the fuck he got so good at reading my mind.
"So just tell me what the fuck is the matter because you are freaking me out."
"It's stupid. I’m blowing the whole thing out or proportion. I guess Gus just got me thinking about Molly. He is just about the age she was when I moved out."
I don’t really know what to say to him. Because I know what he is thinking and its not stupid, but it also isn’t his fault.
"I’ve been a shitty brother to her and I missed out on a lot and I don’t think there is anything I can do to fix all that now."
"Look, you didn’t want to leave the way you did. It isn’t your fault."
"You know that’s not true Brian. I may not have wanted to move out the way I did, but its been, what nine years? And what have I done in that time? She’s my sister and I don’t even know her."
I know my sister as an adult, she is a cunt and I don’t miss her in my life. But this is different. Justin didn’t choose this. One day he was part of a family and the next he was out, just because he couldn’t get enough of my cock. Or maybe it was because his father is a homophobic prick.
Jennifer has ended up being great of course, but it seems only natural in my mind that Justin and Molly would drift apart. They see each other every so often at the holidays, but even that is rare what with our extended family and Craig.
Craig. I think that has something to do with the strain as well. We don’t talk about it but I’m sure the fact that she maintains a relationship with Craig bothers Justin. From the limited exposure I’ve had to her, its clear she doesn’t share his view on fags, but it still has to be hard for him knowing that they are close. She has what was taken away from him.
All that being said I think the biggest issue is much more simplistic than that. There is a huge age difference between them and when Justin was a teenager he had other things on his mind and now she is a teenager with other things on her mind.
"You can’t beat yourself up over this shit. It isn’t your fucking fault. If you want to see her call her and see her, but stop sitting around moping about it."
"Well at least I can always count on you to put everything in perspective."
He’s irritated with me.
"You can count on me to for other stuff too." I pull him close and rub my dick against him, but he knows what I really mean.
Things pretty much go back to normal after that, but I know he is still thinking about it. I know its in the back of his pretty little head. I know Justin, and I know he hasn’t just let it go.
I guess sometimes there are things we just don’t feel like we can fix, but this is Justin and the idea of him giving up on something seems impossible. Somehow, I think we will be revisiting this particular issue in the future.